on faithfulness

It’s been exactly forty-three days since I’ve graduated from college. It’s funny to think about four years ago when I first started this blog. I sat with my brand new computer, eager to shed words that sat in my mind carrying a heavy weight, and eager for my life to "get good" in college. And now I sit four years later with a “well loved” computer, almost prying these words from my mind.

Somewhere over these past four years I started to believe that my words don’t hold the weight I thought they did. I started believing that these words are not a rarity, but instead filled yet another subpar blog. I’ve been told both straightforward and nonverbally that I should shrink away from these words, not pronounce them proudly. But still, I wrote. Less frequently, often unsure what would come out as I sat in front of my keyboard, but still I wrote. And maybe this blog will hold more weight than this, but as I sit in front of this well loved computer, I understand one beautiful element of this blog: God’s faithfulness.

I’ve always had a yearning heart, longing for something I didn’t have. I still do in many ways. But the weeks surrounding my graduation, I was tricked and thought that finally, God was showing me His faithfulness. I was going on some seriously great dates, I was graduating college, I had interviews lined up, my friendships were all encouraging and everything just seemed right. But it was a trick, see? I for some reason thought, God is faithful when everything is good, that finally God was being the faithful God I'd been waiting for.

Don’t be tricked. God is still faithful even when it’s really, crazy hard. This is what I’ve been speaking over myself since I was rejected from a second interview, hard things came up in friendships, and my quarter life crisis was in full swing. The book of Hosea was where I landed with a group of crazy loving gals from a bible study I had led the previous year. Each day we’d read in our different cities, drink different types of coffee, and text our insights and share encouragement. Those days were when I saw the relentless love and faithfulness of our Sweet God. And it was in those days the Holy Spirit spoke those words to me. He can still be good and life can still be really hard. We can be crazy rebellious and awful and He’s still calling our names. We can be on the complete wrong path and He just gives us a simple hand to bring us back to Him. He loves us like crazy and will do anything to show us that.

So yes, He can be faithful by making everything go swimmingly and perfect for us, it wouldn’t be hard for Him. But I’ve seen more and more times that He’s protected me, challenged me, and brought Himself more glory through difficult situations, through proving faithful when things are hard. He is about bringing Himself glory. And I want to be about that too.

And, dear reader, I don’t know what is in store for the future of this blog but to you, here’s to seeking His faithfulness and trekking through hard changes and crazy fun life stages with grace in abundance.

lent

dear friend.

i haven't written to you in so long because i haven't known how to say anything to you. jesus has been doing a work in my heart i haven't even known how to process in the last five months. a hard work that is leading me to so much beauty.

but today i write to you because we are in the midst of this beautiful season of lent and my heart is overjoyed. and i want you to join me in it. sixteen days in. because it's a time to repent and remember the beautiful sacrifice that was made on our behalf. the calendar days marked with traditions are there to remind us of the King we follow and choose daily to serve. and this whole season of Lent is there to remind us that we are dust and Christ is the one who redeems us.

in the devotional i'm going through in the midst of this season, we found ourselves in the story of Adam and Eve and Jesus' response to the original act of sin on ash wednesday. and i've spent a lot of time reflecting on being from dust and returning from dust and i love that image because we are nothing compared to Christ.

but here's the thing: part of the dust thing is our struggle with sin and being tempted and our giving into that. because we're made from dust and because we'll return from dust, all the in between parts are filled with a constant struggle of sin and temptation. with being disappointed and enveloped in selfishness. and that's really hard. women endure painful childbirth and our desire is for our husbands; we seek affection from all except the True Romancer of our hearts. and men will eat from the ground and endure hard work to harvest the earth. and there are so many other sins that tempt and distract us. love of money, idolatry, lust, pride, anger...

as leaders of the junior class for our collegiate ministry, we described ash wednesday to students who hadn't truly understood the tradition. during the discussion, this phrase was used to describe the lenten season: "it's a time we lay down our pride in repentance." this season is about repentance. because we're all from dust. and those who come from dust suffer in sin, separated from God.

"God, You will not despise a broken and humbled heart." psalm 51:17

so, friends, let us come to repentance, remembering that Christ is the center of our lives and it's only because of His sacrifice we are saved and can claim power and love through the Holy Spirit.

i can't encourage you enough to dig into this lent season for yourself. repent and come to Jesus, asking for His glorious gift of eternity with Him. recognize your need for Him. prepare your hearts for the coming of Easter and the heartbreaking death but beautiful resurrection we recall in those candy-filled days. it's what we believe, let us remember.

midwest storms

my mom, sister, and i drove to and from iowa this past week. being the informative teacher mother she is, my mom explained to us why the storms form like they do. it's probably way more complicated than this but it has to do with the hot temperature dropping to cool temperatures and the water formed as humidity turning into rain. something like that. 

the point is, these storms in the midwest roll fast and hard. minutes lie between a sunny sky and the brightest lightening in the darkest clouds. and isn't that just how our problems in life seem to roll? fast and hard. 

i recently returned from a trip overseas in Latvia. it was a beautiful time that opened my eyes to other cultures, God's people, and His beautiful character. it was my hot and humid and sunny day. and when i got back after some solid time with my team processing and praying over my return home, the temperature dropped and the storm rolled in fast and hard. 

two situations overtook my mind, thoughts, heart, and every part of my confidence in the Lord. i lost my sense of trust and tried taking control of the things i thought God was not seeing going on. i pleaded with Him to take them away or fix them or to just do something with them.

and just like in the western part of iowa our first night, my heart was storming. i felt like so much had gone awry and i couldn't do anything about it. the actual storm going on outside of the car was unlike any i've ever seen. the lightening was unreal and lit up the entire sky as it flashed for what seemed like minutes. with next to no rain, the Lord showed me what He could do. that storm showed me just how much power He had. i was able to sit and revel in His Power as the author of that storm that struck that night. He whispered in the most beautiful way that He is my All and He is my King. 

my trust needs to be found fully in Him. i was gently reminded of that as we drove through these storms. He is more powerful and can do more than i can ever comprehend.

"The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; 

He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.

Do not fear or be dismayed."

- duetoronomy thirty one: eight 

it's okay that i forget that because i'm just a sinner in need of a savior. and He will never leave or forsake me. He has gone before me and is faithful. 

so no matter how hard and fast or slow and painful the storms may roll, He is with us. let that be your joy. take heart. 

DEN-LON-OSLO

well we're wrapping up our time traveling as the sun (doesn't actually) set here in norway. what an exciting, challenging, humbling past six days my friend kaitlyn and I have had.

we left early on Friday morning and when we got off the plane, from that point on, I can safely say we have had (next to) know idea what we have been doing. 

we didn't know how to get to our hotel. or how to use the train. or how to pay for anything. really, there was nothing we did know how to do. the past six days have simply been full of baby steps, question asking, and receiving lots of grace. 

traveling with one of my team members, roommates, and closest friends, kaitlyn has been a blessing. she's calm when i'm stressed and doesn't mind asking questions when I'm too prideful and is the constant thing that is familiar in so many unfamiliar places. she gives me a lot of grace and reminds me that we're in it for the experience. 

by God's grace we've been able to see a lot and experience the culture and cities of london and oslo. three days in each city didn't leave us with a ton of time, but we tried our best. here's a list of what we've seen and done:

   -figured out that the westminster abbey is attached to big ben

   -heard big ben's loud chimes

   -successfully overcame the time change

   -ate unknown foods in hyde park

   -saw notting hill

   -put on our tourist hats and rode a double decker bright red bus

   -saw and took a hard pass for riding the london eye

   -rode the tube like a pro (seriously, we only got on the wrong train once... it's impressive.)

   -sat in the same room Narnia and Middle Earth were discussed and dreamed of

   -saw the English countryside by train

   -tried to meet the royal family

   -took a selfie in front of buckingham palace

   -had our worst TSA experience (ever...for both of us) leaving london

   -got on the right train into oslo, not knowing a single word in norwegian 

   -accidentally ran across the royal palace of the norwegian king. 

   -found the cutest coffee shop in all of norway

   -were mistaken for locals (huge accomplishment after being convinced we looked like tourists 24/7)

   -walked on a really big polar expedition boat

   -saw a two thousand year old viking boat 

   -walked on the roof of oslo's opera house

   -saw the painting "scream" in real life

   -rode bikes in a norwegian forrest

the list could go on. needless to say, we've been busy but now we're switching gears and we're so excited... we're gearing up for our month long missions trip in riga, leaving tomorrow. it's weird to be thinking that we're staying there for so long and the next time we'll pack our bags full it will mean home is our next stop.

it's exciting and i'm filled with so many questions of what the coming days and weeks will hold. but if i know anything of my sweet Jesus it is that they will be challenging but so very worth it. 

if you think of it, pray for our team coming in tomorrow. pray for the adjustment to the time change. pray for an adjustment to the culture. pray for a quick transition as we live in close community. pray for all our hearts to be ready and willing for whatever the Lord has for us. 

thank you for being a part of my journey! 

16%

i checked my fundraising amount today for my trip to Lativa in just two short months. i'm 16 percent of the way there. and that might not seem like a lot to someone who has 84 percent to go, but my heart is simply rejoicing.

i forget so often how easy it is for the Lord to reveal to us how big He is and how much He wants to bless us.

my heart has been going through a lot the past three weeks. a lot of things that i hid very far away in my heart were brought to light. a lot of emotions i haven't wanted to deal with were made very real. and a lot of doubting and uncertainty has been going through my mind. a lot of tangible things were overwhelming me, one of them being fundraising.

please, don't think all that is a bad thing. don't think i'm not doing well because of that. because through those things i was able to lay them down at the foot of the cross and ask the lord to help me. i leaned into Him. i searched the bible and found promises God made to His people that I can claim today. promises that allow me to see His great power and His gentle spirit.

and this 16 percent in my fundraising is one way that He is taking care of me. it's a very, very simple way for Jesus to remind me that He is in control and He really does want to bless me.

he tells us "I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will give you treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name." (isaiah 45 : 2 - 3)

in the midst of dealing with all of these things the past three weeks, i've been praying these verses. that all the things i can't handle and don't know how to deal with will be leveled, like mountains and Jesus will go before me.

he's leveling this mountain of fundraising through people like you, and i'm giving many thanks for you all today. thank you for walking through life with me. thank you for supporting me. thank you for helping me get to 16 percent.

(if you want to know how to help support me through prayer or financially, email me at ca.mcqueeney@gmail.com)

colorado to latvia!

i have beautiful news. posted above is a fun, weird, and excited team. this group of five wonderful college students and i are heading to latvia, a small eastern europe country with an organization we're all a part of called The Navigators for four weeks this summer.

in a few short months (three to be exact) we'll be heading over to riga, the capital of latvia to reach out to university students there. 

isaiah forty two: six and seven says, "I have called you in righteousness, I will take hold of your hand, I will keep you and make you to be a covenant for the people, a light to the gentiles; to open eyes that are blind, to set captives free from prison, and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness."

we are going to bring light to the darkness, to bring the good news that has saved each one of us six from our sin and brought us into righteousness in order to live in the freedom Jesus gives us. i am passionate for college-aged students and showing them the One who cherishes them. i'm very excited for this opportunity to take what i've learned here in fort collins all the way to eastern europe and to expand my trust in God and knowledge of who He is.

three weekends ago, we gathered together with three other teams going to serve in separate countries for training and we all had the chance to pray for and with one another. pictured above is those going elsewhere laying their hands on us, praying specifically for those we will meet and impact on the way and while in latvia. 

it's such a joy to be sharing this news with you all! i do ask though for you to be praying alongside with my team and i for this trip. below are some specific things you could be praying.

pray for me a Spirit of humility and the Lord will continue to grow my character to be more like His

pray for fellowship amongst us as a team as well as safety traveling and living in riga

pray the Lord will prepare the hearts of the Latvians we will be interacting with, learning from, and loving

pray the promises from isaiah 42:6-7 (mentioned above) as me and my team entrust out lives to serve God's kingdom

pray for me and my team's hearts as we trust God to provide the funds to send us all the way to latvia

if you have any questions, or would like to hear more, or know anything about latvia i should know about, please let me know! i'm extremely excited to see what this trip holds. thank you for all your support and prayer.

new year

it's that time of year. new year's resolutions and new beginnings.

it's funny that we all have the inclination that a new year brings a new start, a blank page, another chance. some people say, and i agree, that you shouldn't wait until the new year to start something new. that every new day is a second chance. and that's true. but there's something special about the motivation and the beautiful intentions we have with a new year.

on sunday, i sat in church listening to a message that God so neatly placed and related to other things i had been reading and learning in the past week.

a dear friend gave me a devotional for the winter break i'm spending at home, Holiness Day-by-Day by Jerry Bridges. a simple devotional full of wisdom. as i read day two, my heart was awakened to something true but sinful i did not recognize in my own heart. jerry bridges was offering a simple reminder that the pursuit of holiness, striving to please the lord, "must be anchored in the grace of God; otherwise it is doomed to failure." he said a lot of christians think these two things, pursuing the Lord and grace are quite opposite. and i was one of them.

where is your heart for the Lord? 

this was a question i heard echo through the sanctuary on sunday that echoed further in my mind. where is my heart for the lord?

Jerry Bridges said the pursuit of the Lord, "requires sustained, vigorous effort. it allows for no condolence, no lethargy, no half hearted commitment, and no laissez-faire attitude toward even the smallest of sins."

shoot.

i have a lot of small sins. i have a lot of big sins. i just have a lot of sin. and i know when i am committing only a portion of my heart, or a portion of my time, or a portion of my life to Christ. i know when i'm being purposefully lethargic. and when i recognize those things, i'm acting in sin and i'm not pursuing holiness. i'm not striving to please the Lord. but this is where His grace comes in. so wonderfully i might add. His grace is not separated from our hearts in this matter. it is intrically woven between the lethargy and the laissez-faire mindset. grace is there when our vigorous effort is just short of half-hearted. and it's there when we chose to not run towards Him.

the question "where is your heart for the Lord" turned into "where do i want my heart for the Lord to be this year?"

the pastor shared revelation two: two-seven. (i shortened it to two-five)

"I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and you have found them false. you have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. yet I hold this against you. you have forsaken your First Love. remember the height from which you have fallen. depend and do the things you did at first."

the Lord wants us to return to our first love. Him. He knows the hardships we face. He knows our troubles with relationships. He knows our insecurities. He knows how easily we grow weary. but He simply tells us to return to the things we did at first: to love Him above everything else, to receive His grace, to remember His faithfulness, to return and depend on Him.

that's my resolution for 2015. that when my half hearted commitment returns, as it will, that i will be reminded of His grace. that i will return to His love and praise Him for all He has done for me. that i will revel in His goodness.

andrew murray said quite elegantly, "may not a single moment of my life be spent outside the light, love, and now of God's presence and not a moment without the entire surrender of myself as a vessel for Him to fill full of His spirit and love."