free me from this

there's a poem I memorized in high school for one of my english classes. it's written and performed by Jonah Werner. it captures a lot of the reason for hurt in my heart. 

unbeknownst to you and me, beyond the place of tyranny

there lies a love that holds us,

in sure and constant watch.

i've past the place of future crashing,

and far beyond the tongues and lashing,

there lies a blaze that's burning, never to be drenched.

When people live and love beyond themselves,

hearts betray this bitter world, there's bound to be a breaking.

But I can't sweat for better yet,

when all I have is manifest,

in who I am,

who I was,

and what I'm not mistaken.

That this is freedom, living and loving hard,

when guarantees of lude and shard,

and I can't rest on human souls,

because they're impractical and bruising.

There has got to be something more,

there's got to be something deeper out there

and I hope that you look and you find.

Because if people are being restored,

where vines and branches sever more,

and never have I been so crazy,

kick the doors to free me,

to say that I'm alive and I'm thriving still,

I've lost my feet

but I won't lose my will.

You can hurt, but you cannot kill the raging fires,

of a man who's been caught by human lies time after time,

who's been

soaked

and choked,

and wrung by compromise,

who was once dead,

but is now alive.

​

i like to please people. i like attention. i like to feel wanted and welcomed and loved. and there have been a lot of times, i haven't felt that from relationships. and that hurts my heart. 

"we can't rest on human souls. they're impractical and bruising." my heart is bruised from trying to rest on human souls. they never add up to the love and comfort i want. no one person can ever fulfill the affirmation my soul longs for. 

pursuing human affirmation chokes me. i end up feeling empty, i feel like i can't breath, i feel like i'm wrung out. my body aches from the hurt that comes from constant rejection. i'm disappointed in myself because i know i shouldn't be. and i live in constant wonder how long my soul will long for man's {empty} praise. 

see, when i'm hurt and breathless from rejection, i have a hard time believing i'm worth a whole lot. and i don't want to admit this to you {or myself} because it just affirms that this struggle is one that i deal with. and that's weak, and it's silly, and i shouldn't struggle with it because i know the Lord delights in me. it's accepting the love He gives me, and allowing myself to be encouraged that's the hard part.

zephaniah three:seventeen "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

every time my soul is tired and weary from an unsuccessful search, i turn to this verse. it's a gentle reminder that The Lord takes delight in His creation {in me}. all my thoughts that constantly tear the scars off my heart will be quieted by His voice. He rejoices over me. He rejoices over me. He rejoices over me. {maybe i'll say it three times and click my heels and i'll finally believe it}

but i won't lose my will. my feet have slipped and stumbled and i struggle with being confident and i'm not perfect, but i still have a raging fire inside me. 

"there lies a love that holds us, in sure and constant watch." that's jesus, and He hold us, and when i am bruised and beaten down, i have to remember {jesus is holding me, rejoicing over me, and delighting in me} the fire inside me is jesus and it's passion and love and joy and grace all mixed together. 

and that fire is keeping me filled with breath and hope, i'm truly alive.