pride.

pride. we all have it. some have it in their children as the learn to swim, others have it in a spouse when they get a promotion, but every single one of us have it in ourselves. and we almost always have a little too much.

we're proud of ourselves. i'm proud i made it out of bed this morning. i'm proud i got to work on time. but most of all, i'm just proud. i admit i am a prideful person.

in C.S. Lewis' book Mere Christianty, Lewis describes pride as the greatest of all sin. it is the sin that all other sins stem from. hear me in this, i'm not trying to say that being proud of your children or your significant other, or even on occasion yourself is bad or even sinful. but this is what i'm saying, an overabundance of pride is the root of many more sins.

some of the ways Lewis describes pride in Mere Christianity:
the complete anti-God state of mind.
the pleasure of being above the rest.
enmity to God.
not yet completely contented with your own admiration, you must put yourself above others.
eating up every possibility of love, contentment, or common sense.

rather, when we turn to the Book of Life and look at the roots of the original Greek words for humility:
bowed down
modesty
lowly
reduce to a plain
behave in an unassuming manner
deferring servilely to others
having a humble opinion of ones self

do you see it? that when we are proud, we are fighting against God, we are yearning to receive all admiration from those around us, to be better, to be prettier, to be more "holy."

but when we are humble, we are modest, we behave in an unassuming manner, we want to serve others, we don't think less of ourselves, but we think more of others.

trust me. i don't have this figured out, no way no how. but i'm working on it. and already God has shown me, gently, many of the ways i think i am above others. how i think my opinion matters so much more, that i think i could do things so much better, that no way would i ever do what that person did.

but i do. i think those things all the time. i'm imperfect. i'm proud. i boast in myself. i take pleasure in being above the rest. and it's all sin.

do you see it in your heart?

it's okay if you do. you should. because we all need to be humbled. we all need to humbly fall in front of the feet of our Lord Jesus Christ and ask for forgiveness and be made clean so we might be alive with Christ.

first peter five: ten
and the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 

sometimes we can't help but not recognize our pride. and every time, when we suffer through the humbling process, the Lord restores us and makes us strong, firm, and steadfast in His love.

recognize it for what pride is. sin. bring it before the Lord, ready to give your prideful heart to Him. because the things he can do with it might be scary, but they're incredibly worth it. promise.

waiting

i've spent countless summers in the mountains. most days we have afternoon thunderstorms. and these storms are why i love the mountains most.

this has been a season of waiting. waiting for things i don't even know. during one thunderstorm, i sat on the front steps of my office and my feet were getting wet because the awning was too narrow and i felt overwhelmed by the storm so i did what i knew. i closed my eyes. through my eyelids i could see a flashes of lightening and in my head i said "one, two, three, four, five, six..." and boom, the thunder rolled loud, fast, and hard.

sometimes we have to live in seasons like that. we have to close our eyes, count in our heads, and wait for the Lord to show Himself, even in the smallest of ways.

i don't know what i'm waiting for. maybe a sign of my future and where He's leading me. maybe i'm waiting for Him to ask for a piece of my heart i haven't surrendered. maybe i'm just learning what it means to be still and know that He is my sovereign God. maybe he's waiting for me to finally begin to trust Him.

waiting is hard. it is something we are trained to hate. waiting in line, waiting for food, waiting for your turn. we hate it. but sometimes the most joyous things can come out of waiting. and i'm learning that.

waiting means trusting. trusting means surrender. surrender means dying to oneself. and dying to oneself means to love the Lord. but it's not as easy as that sounds. in fact, it's really hard. and you might cry a lot. and you have to learn to give yourself grace.

titus two: eleven-thirteen says,
"for the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. it teaches us to say "no" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope - the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ."

grace brings salvation. it brings us towards godliness and a vision for eternity. it brings us freedom. when we fail at waiting, at trusting, at surrendering, we bog down and find it so hard to try again. but you can, if you allow the grace of God to take a place in your heart.

jeremiah thirty two: thirty seven - forty one says,
"I will surely gather them from all the lands where I banish them in my furious anger and great wrath; I will bring them back to this place and let them live in safety. they will be my people, and I will be their God. I will give them singleness of heart and action, so that they will always fear me for their own good and the good of their children after them. I will make an everlasting covenant with them. I will never stop doing good to them, and I will inspire them to fear me. I will rejoice in doing them good and will assuredly plant them in this land with all my heart and soul."

this passage has so many things. but look at all the "I will" statements. that's the Lord promising that He will do those things. that He will rejoice in doing good to us. that He will make an everlasting covenant with us. His character is revealed to us in this passage. He is sovereign and good and cares for us. He cares for me. He cares for my season of waiting. He cares to do good to me in the midst of waiting.

right now, waiting looks like me not pursuing things that are displeasing to my King. it looks like being disciplined in the way i live my life. it looks like me standing in His creation, praising His name. it looks like me surrendering the same thing in my journal, day after day. i'll be honest; it doesn't look like much. and it gets hard waiting. and i often forget to trust the Lord through it. but i get myself a heavy dose of grace and a warm cup of coffee and come into the presence of the Lord in the middle of a thunderstorm and just wait.

worth.

songs of solomon 4:7 says "All beautiful you are, darling, there is not flaw in you."

our Creator is perfect. we are perfect. we have fallen and are sinful and have made poor choices. but we are created to be perfect. there is no flaw in us when we are walking the path of God's great mercy and grace.

i joke with strangers that when i grow up all i want to be is a mom. and i joke with my friends that i want to meet my husband, like, right now. i joke about these things. but there's obviously a hint of truth in these jokes. it's the desire i have in my heart. and there's always a constant yearning for these things. (so much it hurts.) they become the only thing that occupies my mind. i want them worse than most things in life. i'm willing to do anything to get there.

as i read this verse, i realized that the longing i have (that is so incredibly desperate) is the same kind of longing that God has for my heart and for my thoughts. He wants them (all of them.) He doesn't want me to be giving them to anything else. He is jealous for them. He is jealous for me.

"it is a strange and beautiful eccentricity of the free God that He has allowed His heart to be emotionally identified with men. self-sufficient as He is, He wants our love and will not be satisfied till He gets it. free as He is, He has let His heart be bound to us forever." (a.w. tozer, the knowledge of the Holy)

we are created in the perfect image of God. we often forget that. we often overlook the beauty of our human selves and we forget that we are temples of the Holy Spirit. and we abuse this temple. we cover it up and break it down. we hurt it and so desperately try to use it in a way that distracts us. distract us from falling deeper in love with our Father. pulls us into an abyss of sin and hurt. but we are bound to God. He wants us to love Him (and only Him.)

here's the connection. it's okay to want those things i joke about with strangers and friend. it's okay to desire a relationship. but when we are preparing our hearts for them is when it gets hard.

we beat down these creations, these temples, these masterpieces and believe them to be useless and believe we are unworthy. unworthy of having such relationships that glorify God. so we settle. we settle for drunk guys in bars and parties with drinks and awfully butchered pick up lines. or we settle for living in an ignorant state of a friendship growing into more. we settle for being alone and bitter and angry. we settle into fear. and these are the things we think we're good enough for. because if we can pretend we're okay at church and bible study, then settling will work out just fine, right?

no. you are worth so much more than that. you are worth so much more than those lies you're fed. (you are worth far more than rubies.) you are worth being delighted in. you are worth being protected. you are worth every good thing God has to offer. God wants your love. He yearns for it. He wants it more than you ever will think He does. that's why He created you.

a worship song we sang in a incredibly broken district in the heart of san francisco two weeks goes "pull me a little closer, take me a little deeper."

whether we're single, dating, or married we have to capture our thoughts and meditate on the fact that we were created to glorify God, not ourselves. not our worldly passions and desires. we have to plead with God to pull us in closer, and to take us deeper into His embrace to fall further in love and submission with Him alone. only then will we feel strangely and beautifully bound forever to our Utmost.

treasure

exodus nineteen:five

"now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, 

then out of all nations [you will be my treasured possession]. 

although the whole earth is Mine."

please listen.

you are treasured.

you are loved by the Creator of the universe. 

you are rescued by the Healer of all hurt. 

you are delighted in by the one true King.

out of all the nations 

(every city, country, state, or island) 

you will be the treasured possession that God claims as His

(He desires after your heart)

think of the entire world, 

all the beauty, all the charm, all the elegance.

now think of yourself,

all the... 

[i'm worthless, i'm an outcast, i'm ugly, i'm sinful, i'm rejected]

stop. capture these thoughts.

you're worthy, you are valued, you are lovely, you are free, you are alive.

i get caught in these things. in these thoughts. 

but they're awfully nasty, and awfully tiresome.

so take this verse and write it down.

take delight in Your Maker, 

because He always will delight in His most beloved treasure.

christmastime

my favorite part of a christmas eve service is when we get to light candles, and sing silent night. 

this year, the whole sanctuary was lit like an ocean covering the sand.

as we sang, my heart was beaming.

the light flooded the room and there were hundreds of beautiful voices praising our just and loving God.

Son of God,

love's pure light

what a beautiful description. 

Jesus, the one and only Son, wants to fill each one of us with a pure love.

and he came as a baby, so he could save me {you}

the hymn it is well with my soul says:

my sin, not in part but the whole,
is nailed to the cross, and i bear it no more,
praise the Lord, praise the Lord, o my soul. 

that's what he came for, to save us from our dirty sin. 

to take my {your} sin and leave it on the cross.

he left it there so we can be free.

free to praise Him. 

free to flood a room with praises and His pure light.

free to feel the love of the most perfect Father, Friend, and Savior.

that's what jesus reminded me of during christmastime,

i was reminded of the goodness and perfect love of God,

and the goodness and perfect Savior that was born in a manger.
what were you reminded of?

on journaling

do you journal?

i do. i've become an avid journal writer actually. it's a place where i can say anything and everything to God and no one will judge me and i know that jesus will probably laugh a little bit at me but understand.

today i finished a journal. it took me eight months twenty eight days to go through this little journal. it's been my favorite one so far. not only because it has cute bikes and wheels throughout its pages, and not because it alternates lines, grid, and blank paper. its my favorite because i've filled it with the sweetest, hardest, most confusing prayers and some of the greatest wisdom i've received from others.

this past weekend i had to have a really hard discussion. i was out of my comfort box the entire time. my journal has been full of prayers and verses and pleas for the whole situation surrounding that discussion to just disappear on its own, or for me to just get over it. but it didn't, and i'm so glad. it led me towards this hard but beautiful discussion that healed my heart in more ways than i thought it was going to.

this journal is filled with prayers about the first boy i truly liked. how mad i was at him, how much i just wanted to not like him, confusion on why the feelings were there then at that time, wishing for him to just like me back (because we were perfect for each other...duh...or not...) and all those feelings, while crazy and a tad ridiculous, brought me to a place where i had peace and i had confidence in the Lord's promise to fulfill my anxious heart.

this journal got me through my best friend dating her first serious boyfriend. those particular pages i could barely fill because it hurt and was hard, and i was frustrated, but with a lot of help from jesus, i wrote. and wrote. and we're still best friends because i was in constant prayer over it.

i journal because life is one big process. it's hard and messy. i write it down, and journal it out. i write so i can look back in five years and see how beautifully simple life was.

buy a journal, use it, and you won't regret it.

free me from this

there's a poem I memorized in high school for one of my english classes. it's written and performed by Jonah Werner. it captures a lot of the reason for hurt in my heart. 

unbeknownst to you and me, beyond the place of tyranny

there lies a love that holds us,

in sure and constant watch.

i've past the place of future crashing,

and far beyond the tongues and lashing,

there lies a blaze that's burning, never to be drenched.

When people live and love beyond themselves,

hearts betray this bitter world, there's bound to be a breaking.

But I can't sweat for better yet,

when all I have is manifest,

in who I am,

who I was,

and what I'm not mistaken.

That this is freedom, living and loving hard,

when guarantees of lude and shard,

and I can't rest on human souls,

because they're impractical and bruising.

There has got to be something more,

there's got to be something deeper out there

and I hope that you look and you find.

Because if people are being restored,

where vines and branches sever more,

and never have I been so crazy,

kick the doors to free me,

to say that I'm alive and I'm thriving still,

I've lost my feet

but I won't lose my will.

You can hurt, but you cannot kill the raging fires,

of a man who's been caught by human lies time after time,

who's been

soaked

and choked,

and wrung by compromise,

who was once dead,

but is now alive.

​

i like to please people. i like attention. i like to feel wanted and welcomed and loved. and there have been a lot of times, i haven't felt that from relationships. and that hurts my heart. 

"we can't rest on human souls. they're impractical and bruising." my heart is bruised from trying to rest on human souls. they never add up to the love and comfort i want. no one person can ever fulfill the affirmation my soul longs for. 

pursuing human affirmation chokes me. i end up feeling empty, i feel like i can't breath, i feel like i'm wrung out. my body aches from the hurt that comes from constant rejection. i'm disappointed in myself because i know i shouldn't be. and i live in constant wonder how long my soul will long for man's {empty} praise. 

see, when i'm hurt and breathless from rejection, i have a hard time believing i'm worth a whole lot. and i don't want to admit this to you {or myself} because it just affirms that this struggle is one that i deal with. and that's weak, and it's silly, and i shouldn't struggle with it because i know the Lord delights in me. it's accepting the love He gives me, and allowing myself to be encouraged that's the hard part.

zephaniah three:seventeen "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

every time my soul is tired and weary from an unsuccessful search, i turn to this verse. it's a gentle reminder that The Lord takes delight in His creation {in me}. all my thoughts that constantly tear the scars off my heart will be quieted by His voice. He rejoices over me. He rejoices over me. He rejoices over me. {maybe i'll say it three times and click my heels and i'll finally believe it}

but i won't lose my will. my feet have slipped and stumbled and i struggle with being confident and i'm not perfect, but i still have a raging fire inside me. 

"there lies a love that holds us, in sure and constant watch." that's jesus, and He hold us, and when i am bruised and beaten down, i have to remember {jesus is holding me, rejoicing over me, and delighting in me} the fire inside me is jesus and it's passion and love and joy and grace all mixed together. 

and that fire is keeping me filled with breath and hope, i'm truly alive.