full of faith

"the tempted, the anxious, the fearful, the discouraged may all find new hope and good cheer in the knowledge that our Heavenly Father is faithful."

temptation, anxiety, fear, and discouragement have all seeped into my heart the past week. but the great thing about having a such a sinful heart, is knowing that i have a Savior who is faithful, and will be faithful for all eternity. 

one year ago, i moved to college. if you've explored this blog much, you could probably find the post from when i first moved. i'll save you some time and just tell you, i struggled with the transition. so as i packed my belongings into boxes and boxes for my second year, my anxiety grew. it grew inside me until it was a wild garden that could not be cut back or trimmed or pruned. 

i was scared to death that moving to school would replicate itself from last year, and i would find discouragement everywhere i turned. that i would be tempted to pursue things not pleasing to The Lord. that i wouldn't bring glory to Him. that i wouldn't be able to live up to all the expectations i have for myself.

but i moved anyway. i cut my hand on a box, and drove two hours to my new home. despite my anxiety and discouragement from a lack of trust in The Lord, as soon as i moved my boxes and boxes into my new room, i was overwhelmed with a sense of peace.

the last three days since i moved back to school have been full of blessing after blessing. wonderful friends, amazing fellowship, incredible encouragement. i stand back, truly in awe of the goodness and faithfulness of our Abba Father. that doesn't mean i'm not scared, or i'm not anxious about what could happen. but what it does mean is that i have assurance and comfort by the King of Kings that He is avidly taking care of me.

Tozer writes on the character of God, specifically His faithfulness,

"God, being who He is, cannot cease to be what He is, and being what He is, He cannot act out of character with Himself." 

He cannot stop being faithful and that is a beautiful truth. 

*quotes from The Knowledge of the Holy, A.W. Tozer

sleep for the soul

resting in the Lord takes a lot of work. 

there's a lot of conscious things that go along with resting. 

you have to actively let go of the thoughts and battles going on in your mind. 

this summer i've done a lot of seeking after the Lord.

a lot of dealing with some issues of the heart.

a lot of facing my sin that roots itself deep.

two weeks ago i grew restless. 

i was exhausted of dealing with it all.

i was sick of fighting against satan.

then i realized something, 

that i'm not the one fighting. 

and i had clearly lost sight of the One who is in constant battle for me.

proverbs twenty:twentyseven

"the lamp of the Lord searches the spirit of a man,

it searches out his inmost being"

{we can trust the Lord knows what He is fighting for}

isaiah fortysix:four

"even to your old age and grey hairs, I am He,

I am He who will sustain you.

I have made you and I will carry you;

I will sustain you and I will rescue you."

{we can trust the Lord that He will sustain us, carry us, and rescue us from our despair}

i can rest in these two verses.

i can rest by having faith that God will rescue me.

i can rest by simply falling at the foot of the cross, with a broken and messy heart.

because Jesus already took care of my {your} ugly sin.

because the Holy Spirit intercedes for me {you}, whispering snippets of love and encouragement Christ wants me {you} to hear.

because God is sovereign and has searched my {your} soul in order to ensure good and perfect plans for me {you}.

so rest and let your soul sleep in the arms of our Savior

small reminders

the past few weeks something has been invading my mind constantly.
i won't tell you everything, but it involves:
a boy, a lot of self doubt, and even more frustration.

it's the first time i've dealt with these emotions in this kind of situation.
i'm not gonna lie, it sucks.
it's distracting and discouraging and i can't do a whole lot about it.
the frustration has built and most of the time
i'm sick of all the sin that stems from this something.

i was listening to a sermon by Alistair Begg yesterday.

he ended by quoting psalm eighty four: eleven

"no good thing does He withhold

from those whose walk is blameless"

i sat there thinking... 

what the heck.

God promises that.

He promises

not only to have plans to prosper us and not harm us 

but to never withhold good things from us.

so who am i to doubt that God will not always have good things to provide me? 

{even from this something I can't get out of my mind}

so i took out a pen and wrote

"84:11"

on my left thumb.

every time i start thinking about this something,

and i get discouraged or frustrated, 

i catch a glimpse of the black ink smeared between those two knuckles.

and i remember, 

{even if this something will never be anything}

God is not withholding any good from me.

just so you know,

that doesn't mean this something doesn't still suck.

it does, and i think it will for a while, 

but these four numbers on my left thumb 

are a small reminder that has brought me hope.
hope that maybe not this something,
but a something, someday will be good
{and perfect} for me.

rest in change

"Chance and change are busy in our little world of nature and men,
but in Thee we find no variableness nor shadow of turning."*

mutable: capable to change.

people change all the time.
friendships change, relationships change, families change.
most of the time, the change is hard.
it's a dynamic difference that takes a long time to get used to.
(that's why we just can't rest on human souls.)

the most encouraging thing about us being vulnerable to change is this: 

"the immutability of God appears in its most perfect 

beauty when viewed against the mutability of men."*

because my jesus {your jesus} will never change. 

"today, this moment, He feels toward His creatures, 

toward babies, toward the sick, the fallen, the sinful, 

exactly as He did when He sent His only, 

begotten Son into the world to die for mankind."*

i {we} have the same God who gave grace to Jonah, who entrusted His creatures to Noah,

who promised Abraham and Sarah generations as plentiful as the stars. 

the same God.  

No matter how many whales i get eaten by, 

no matter the endless times i will fall and prove my imperfection, 

the God who delivered daniel from the lion's den will give me his untainted, beautiful grace.

men are mutable. we are mutable. i am mutable.

"the whole possibility of redemption lies in their ability to change."*
the best thing that can come out of mutability, is redemption.

i {you} can entrust my {your} heart to God,
who will never change His mind or turn His back.
He will never forget me {you} and always beckon me {you} closer to Him.
because that's how much He loves me {you}.
and will all the days of eternity.

*A.W. Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy

Tough love

relationships are really hard. two main causes: the natural selfishness of every single person, and this skewed picture that we're going to get everything we need for our soul from that relationship. whether it being from a boyfriend or a girlfriend, a best friend, a sister or brother, mom or dad, aunt or uncle, we fill our lives with relationships and squeeze every single one dry until they're bone dry and dead. we squeeze for love, comfort, attention, accomplishment, anything that makes us feel okay when we lie down at the end of the day. but we never squeeze enough, we never get that last drop.

i'm not saying relationships are bad, because that's just ridiculous. i'm saying that leaning on those relationships is detrimental.

i have the one relationship that truly matters. i have a personal relationship with my Abba Father, Savior, and King. it's the best relationship i've ever ventured upon. but it's hard too. because of my selfish nature and sinful heart. but the thing is, i do get everything i need from this relationship. i get comfort and attention and unconditional love every waking moment because of Jesus' grace. the problem is, because of my selfishness, i don't look for that list in that relationship all the time. most of the time, i look to my relationships here. i look to my family and friends to fill the parts of my heart that are empty. i think it's easier, because i can physically hear their praise, and feel their love, and crave their utmost attention.

but that's where the second hard part of relationships comes in. i'm never satisfied. i'm never satisfied. and it hurts. It hurts every time. but Jesus beckons me back to Him, reminding me that He wants to be my friend and shield for all the hurt. i don't know where i would be if He never beckoned me home. i would be alone, and bitter, and just plain sad from all the disappointment I face.

Relationships are hard. But it's not just hard for you. It's hard for everyone, except our Prince of Peace. 

run away child

sometimes I wonder what it would be like to run away. to truly run away. 

you wouldn't have to take exams, or go to work, or do taxes.

you could wake up everyday and do exactly what you wanted.

personally, i dream of running away everyday of my life. filling up my the tank, throwing on my aviators, and let the wind carry me. eventually ending up in some small town and making friends with older kindred spirits that have wisdom and wrinkled smiles. it would be wonderful right? 

no. it wouldn't be.

take comfort in rituals.

every friday morning, i wouldn't sip coffee with sophie over proverbs. every wednesday night, i wouldn't have dinner with my bible study. i couldn't take my flowers off the window sill at night before i open the window. i wouldn't get my mail every wednesday afternoon.

why do we want to run away?

what drives us to put the top down and hit the road?

i wouldn't be running away from my problems, or my fears, or my failures. i would be running away from the people who love me and care about me and the people who genuinely want to help me see life as beautiful. i would be running away from all the good, just because of so little bad.

sometimes, when it's really hard,

my heart wants to run away from jesus.

not forever. i just get nervous, i'm not good enough, i'm not ready, i can't handle people holding me to these high standards. what i really am running away from is His grace, His mercy, His aching desire to hold my heart. 

i run away from comfort, straight into doubt.

to do exactly what i want?

 it becomes disastrous.

don't run.

take comfort in rituals,

take comfort in never ending grace.

A Perfect Little Bundle of Joy

                                                       

Meet Lily Bryn Kincaid.

{don't tell anyone, but she's my favorite niece}

She just turned three weeks Monday. She sleeps all the time, and when she isn't she is trying to keep her eyes open or she's eating. What a life, eh?

I have only been able to see her for a short weekend. Being two hours away is tough. I just want to see her everyday, hold her and see those little eyes open; but it was my turn to leave and move to college. As much as I was sad about leaving, I was promised by my sister (the mama!) that I would indeed see her a lot. Since that promise, I receive daily pictures and frequent videos of her gazing into the big world around her. 

This little bundle of joy is truly that, a lot of miracle and a little bit of person. She's growing so fast and I love her a lot. It's such a testament to how much God loves us. He provided this sweet little life into our family. It's amazing to see how he created the human body to grow and adapt to such dramatic changes. We are truly looked after and loved and nurtured by such an amazing, awe-inspiring God. Praise the Lord for this little life.

Dunking our Souls

Today, in front of her whole church body one of my close friends proclaimed her surrendered life to Christ. It was such an honor to be able to share such a special day with her. It was a beautiful illustration of our ability to proclaim that we are His. I'm so proud of her, she is fearless in my mind. She has given me many smiles in our friendship and I continue to pray for her heart as we both start college in the next few weeks. While at her baptism I couldn't help but feel something wonderful. Through her testimony, I felt so encompassed by God's unfailing love. His presence never ceases to astound me in the most random times. What a wonderful surprise it was.

Congratulations my sweet, I'm so very proud of you.